Attention-Seeking vs. Support-Seeking

Say it. Say the phrase, “attention-seeking.” What comes to mind when you do? Is it a young child misbehaving? Is it an adult acting in an exaggerating manner? The phrase and the images that accompany it often stir up negative emotions. “Ugh, she’s so attention-seeking, what is wrong with her?”

In recent years, this phrase has become more popular. I hear parents say it to describe their children, and I hear teachers say it to describe students in the classroom. Are there individuals who engage in certain behaviors for attention? Absolutely. However, in my private practice experience, many of the children and teens I see who are labeled as “attention-seeking” are looking for comfort, connection, and support. I encourage parents and teachers to use the phrase “support seeking” instead.

Before labeling someone as “attention-seeking,” especially children, I ask parents to ask themselves the following questions:

1. Is my child hungry or thirsty?

2. Is my child tired?

3. Does my child need to use the bathroom?

You might be reading the above questions and saying that these things are so obvious. You would think they are. However, I cannot tell you how many times parents haven’t realized that their child hasn’t gone to the bathroom in 4 hours because they have been running errands all around town or their child has been sitting in front of their tablet.

If the answer to those questions is no or it was yes and you have now fed or given your child a nap and the behaviors are still happening, ask yourself what else your child might need. Have you been fully present with your child during this time or have you been on your phone and ignoring them? What could be missing for the child or teen? 

We all seek connection and belonging from others and when we don’t get it, we might behave in ways that aren’t the best. As adults, most of us are better at realizing what we need before engaging in the behavior or we are quickly able to change the behavior. For children and teens, especially younger children, they might not realize what they want or need or know how to communicate those wants and needs. 

Some parents (and teachers) ignore the behaviors. As someone who operates from a CBT perspective, I get it. Ignore the unwanted behaviors and praise the appropriate ones. However, ignoring certain behaviors can sometimes make the situation worse or send the message of, “you are not important” to the child.  Instead of making the situation worse or sending that message to someone, there are some other things to try.

Here are some tips to help with support seeking behaviors:

1. Spend time with your child. The school and workday are long and let’s be honest, most of us are still working after hours or helping the kids work on their homework after school as well. Next up is soccer practice and baking for the class party. Schedule time to spend with the family as well as one-on-one with your child. 

2. Positive reinforcement. Positively reinforce the appropriate behaviors as soon as they happen. This will increase the likelihood of them continuing to happen. Positive reinforcement can be in the form of verbal praise (e.g. “You did great!”) or more tangible items (e.g. stickers). 

3. Redirection. Redirect your child to something more appropriate and give them attention once that happens. If your child is coloring on the wall, redirect them to help you bake cookies. Give them a simple task. 

Every person is different and these 3 tips might not work for everyone or in every situation. However, before labeling someone as “attention-seeking” stop and think about what they might really be needing.