Ways to Help Someone Struggling with Depression
May is Mental Health Awareness Month! Oftentimes in our practice as therapists, we hear our clients who are struggling with depression share how they wish either:
their friends/family knew how to support them better
or
they cannot imagine working through this without such amazing support from their friends and family (this is one is more rare, sadly).
For most people, supporting someone struggling with depression doesn’t come super naturally. This can be because of a variety of factors including lack of experience or knowledge about handling depression, discomfort with experiencing their own negative emotions, or simply being unaware that they can truly make a difference in the experience of the person they love.
Educate yourself
Like by reading this blog post! 😉 There is SO much information out there about depression. TikTok is where a lot of this “information” is shared, but we tend to recommend a few other more legitimate sources like the American Psychological Association’s website. Learn about the common signs and symptoms of depression so you can keep an eye on what’s normal and abnormal for the general population, then talk to your friend about what their typical signs and symptoms of depression are and what usually helps them.
Take it seriously
Especially if this is the first time someone is sharing with you that they’re struggling. It can seem out of the blue and you might be tempted to say things like, “But you don’t really want to…” (isolate yourself from everyone, not be here, disappear for a while, etc.). But, many times people hold these distressing feelings in for so long. We don’t want to overreact, but we also definitely don’t want to overreact. Take them at their word and make sure to communicate that you believe them, hear their experience, and are going to stay by their side.
Be a good listener
Let your friend/loved one do the talking when they bring it up to you that they’re struggling with depression. Not only does this help them process their pain, but it also helps you fight the urge to offer unsolicited advice. Try not to offer immediate “solutions” or say things like, “I understand what you’re going through” because it can sound insensitive. If you do relate to their experience in some way, preface it by saying something like, “This is definitely not the same, and let me know if this isn’t helpful to hear, but in some ways, it reminds me of the time…”
Another part of being a good listener is containing your own emotions. Hearing a friend talk about their difficult struggle can be overwhelming. While it’s helpful for them to see that you’re empathizing, be careful not to let your emotional reaction take up so much space that it doesn’t leave room for them to continue sharing. When this happens, the person who’s depressed often feels like they can’t share these difficult things with you because it’s too overwhelming and they feel pressure to “get over it” instead of having space to work through it.
Continue to invite them to places
While they might not have as much energy to initiate outings or connect with you, it still helps them feel supported if you invite them to places while they’re struggling with depression. They might say no, but continue to reach out. You can also ask them what kind of interaction feels manageable without being overwhelming in this season. They might not have the energy to go to a large gathering, but they may enjoy coming over for a small group movie night or something similar. The bottom line is that keeping in touch helps your loved one feel like their people still want to be around them when they’re not feeling their best.
Don’t try to “fix” them
If your loved one is in treatment for their depression, it’s best to leave that treatment to their professionals whether that’s a physician (primary care, psychiatry, etc.) and/or mental health therapist. If you know of a treatment they haven’t mentioned, ask them if it’s ok if you share that with them. They might say no, and that’s ok! Sometimes having too many options is even more overwhelming.
Be prepared to act in the event of an emergency
Listen. Hear them out. Then, if they’ve shared that they’re contemplating suicide or you suspect they might be, ask some more questions such as:
Do you think about hurting yourself?
Do you think about dying?
Do you think your friends and family would be better off without you?
If they answer yes to any of these questions, then follow up with these questions:
Do you have a plan?
Do you have the means/way to carry out that plan?
Do you intend on carrying out that plan or think you might in the near future?
Asking these questions will allow you to get a better feel for how severe their symptoms are and help you decide which step you need to take next. If they’re not actively suicidal, encourage them to reach out to their therapist. If they are actively suicidal, get them help immediately. If they have a therapist or psychiatrist and it’s during business hours, call them to ask if they have a crisis plan in place or what you should do. If they don’t have a therapist or if you don’t get an immediate answer from their office, you should take them to the hospital for an evaluation. We also want to note that if you are a child or teenager, it is essential that you tell a trusted adult (parent, teacher, school counselor, doctor, religious leader, family friend, etc.) — even if your friend tells you not to.
Practice patience
Even once they’re in treatment, there’s not an exact timeline for how quickly their symptoms will start to improve. Continue to give them grace and empathy while they work towards a healthier version of themselves. Try not to add any pressure on them to “rush” through their treatment. It takes work to get out of a depressive cycle, which can take time.
Support them getting help
You can’t force them to get help or to want to improve, but you can support them and reassure them that it’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes making the first step toward getting help is the hardest. At any point, it may be helpful to offer support by going with them, driving them to appointments, talking with them afterward, or helping them decide on which helping professionals to seek help from.
Balance
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to helping a friend struggling with depression. Balancing between giving them help by taking things off their plate or encouraging them to do things themselves is tricky to figure out, but if you’re willing to try and also ask for feedback that typically means a lot when someone’s in a low place. Everyone needs different support and that might even change as time goes on. Some people appreciate being asked what they might find helpful, while others might need help identifying what they can try to do themselves.
Take care of your own needs
Some of us (myself included) struggle to remember to take care of ourselves while helping out a friend who isn’t doing well. There’s a difference between being generous with your time and energy to help someone who needs it and sacrificing too much of your time and energy to where you experience your own hardship. If you catch yourself feeling tempted to give too much of yourself, we’d encourage you to let other friends step in and fill the gaps while you recuperate and evaluate ways you can sustainably be a support to your friend.
TLDR:
IN:
“How are you managing?”
“I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
“I’d love to come over today and spend time with you.”
Offer to drive them to/from their appointments, or to talk afterward if they want to debrief.
OUT:
Invalidating what they’re going through
“I think you’d feel better if you’d just ____” (exercise, eat “better,” think more positively, etc.)
“You’re being really selfish.”
Author: Kristen Hearn, MA, Prelicensed Therapist