Toxic Positivity

Have you heard of toxic positivity? If not, let me define the phrase for you. Toxic positivity is the belief or idea that no matter what the situation is, you should maintain a positive mindset or try to find the positives in the situation.

Let’s back up. 

There are so many things wrong with the above definition.

First, “no matter what…” Let’s try changing that to, “each situation is unique.” 

Second, “should.” Let’s try changing that to, “could.”

Some examples of toxic positivity that many of us have probably heard include:

Look on the bright side.
Everything happens for a reason.
God only gives us what we can handle.
Don’t worry, be happy. 
It could be worse.
Positive vibes only.
It’s fine/It will be fine.

Let’s take a moment and be honest with ourselves. We have ALL engaged in toxic positivity at one point or another. If you can truly say you haven’t, reach out to me as I would love to meet you. 

Toxic positivity invalidates what the person is going through. It gives the impression that what they are feeling is incorrect or something they shouldn’t be feeling. Breaking news: we are all humans and humans have emotions. Toxic positivity can actually be considered a form of gaslighting. Gaslighting includes having another person question their reality, is a form of abuse and is a form of psychological and emotional manipulation. 

It’s okay to not be okay is one of the hashtags I use in every post. I use it because it’s true. Our feelings are valid and it’s okay to sit with the discomfort of things. Toxic positivity can cause feelings of guilt and shame for the person going through that experience. It can prevent them from feeling completely normal and appropriate human emotions. It can also prevent the person from growing, in the sense that they are denying an opportunity to learn and process, which could lead to more awareness and insight for the future. 

In fact, research studies have shown that individuals who avoid their emotions or push them off tend to feel worse about themselves. One such study was conducted in 2018 by Ford, Lam, John, and Mauss. This study found that individuals who do not judge their experiences have overall better mental health. They found that acceptance of a situation helped individuals respond to stress with less negative emotions. 

So, how do we decrease the likelihood of falling down the rabbit hole of toxic positivity? First, acknowledge and validate your feelings. You can feel whatever you want to feel- there is nothing wrong with that. Try practicing some mindfulness interventions to help you stay in the present moment and have a non-judgemental attitude and mindset towards your feelings. If you are going through a difficult time, find a professional to help you. Talk it out, experience those feelings, and be in a safe space while doing it. If you need to, literally cry it out. Although not for everyone, people have also found journaling to be helpful. 

If you want to make sure you can help your loved ones without engaging in toxic positivity behavior, try asking the person what you can do to help. Avoid the above phrases and avoid problem-solving, giving advice, or stating your opinion unless the person asks for it. There is nothing worse than going through a difficult situation and hearing another person’s opinion on it or having someone tell you what to do. You can validate a person’s emotions and experience without necessarily agreeing with it. Remember that you are not their therapist, even if that’s your profession. 

As always, your feelings and the feelings of others are valid. No one has the right to take them away. You can have the best intentions for yourself and when helping others. However, acknowledge the human experience of having and feeling emotions instead of shutting down an opportunity for growth and awareness.