Building a Better Sense of Self
Let’s face it- we have all sought out the approval of others at one time or another. But what happens when we need constant validation and attention from other people? Well, then it is time to look a little deeper at how to strengthen our beliefs about ourselves. As we become less dependent on the approval of others, our lives tend to feel more emotionally regulated and we then begin to have the tendency to believe in ourselves.
Did you ever wonder why there has been an obvious uptick in the overall desire for external approval? In fact, this is often seen among teenagers and individuals who spend a lot of time using social media outlets. Let’s take social media for example- how many times have you waited to see the number of “likes” you got on a post? In today’s world, there seems to be a tendency for everyone to know everyone else’s business- where you are, who you are with, what your deepest thoughts are and are not, and the list goes on. This means that we are always being assessed by others and when we do not get the validation of such, we feel sad, angry, unaccepted, or confused. Sounds problematic, right? Well, it certainly can be. Therefore, many people begin to think of self-worth as something that is “given” by others instead of formulated from within.
So, how do we stop self-sabotaging our emotional worth? Here are a few tips on how to overcome self-doubt and work towards a happier version of who you really are!
Stop the inner critic’s voice! Whenever a destructive thought pops into your head, use this “stopping technique.” Say something like, “Nope, we are not going there again!” and move on to focusing on a simple task such as deciding what to have for dinner tonight. Consistency and repetition of this technique helps to make it a helpful habit
Keep a motivational journal. Doing so will remind you of the benefits of validating yourself, as well as invalidating what you hear from others. Just a brief list is all that is needed to quell that inner critic and disprove negative perceptions. For example, if you are feeling down about not being able to advance your career. Make a list of the reasons why pursuing it would be beneficial to you, as well as how it is actually “do-able.” Maybe the reason is to pay down your debt and the fact that you only need a few more college classes to get that degree makes it seem more achievable. You can work out the rest of the details once you get it rolling!
Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back! Did you ever really stop to think about what you do right, instead of always thinking about what you did wrong? Well, it’s time! For example, if you are doubting being a good mother. Make a list of 3 things you have done right with your kids. Perhaps it is looking out for their health, working hard to provide for them, and using your vacation days to spend time at their school functions. Give yourself the credit you deserve.
Guess what- nobody is perfect! Trying to achieve perfectionism can be destructive to our self-esteem. Did you ever truly consider if it was realistic to do everything right each and every day? Seems unlikely and exhausting! So, how about striving for “tried my best” or “good enough.” These affirming thoughts prove to yourself that you made the efforts and they allow you to accept your limitations. It is ok to have setbacks too- you are only human. So, be at peace with the work that you put in and congratulate yourself on the things that you did right!
As you can see, we all go through moments in life where we doubt ourselves and that is ok. However, pushing through those rough patches and realizing that comparing yourself to others is harmful to our inner well-being is an important realization. The key is to rebuild what you or others have been tearing down over the years and focus on your successes. You can do this by simply being open to seeing yourself as the keeper of your own worth! Look at how far you have come and compare yourself to yourself…. doing so is likely to be your best indicator of personal growth!
Author: Vanessa LaBruzza, LAC