Grown-Ups is More Inclusive
Inclusivity. It’s a term most of us hear often and if you ask us, we would say we are inclusive. But how deep does inclusivity really go? A post went viral earlier this year calling for adults, mainly teachers, to refer to their students’ parents as “their grown-ups.” With the stress from COVID-19, the 2020 Presidential Election, and various social justice movements this post added fuel to the fire for some while causing others to reflect on their practices. As in all my blog posts, I am not here to judge. One of the cornerstones of humanistic/person-centered therapy is providing a non-judgmental environment. If you hate this post, that’s okay. Don’t read it… move on.
I am going to take it a step further and not use the term “parents” in this post. It’s 2021, many children are being raised by other family members or other non-relative adults. Let’s use the term “caregivers” for the sake of this article. However, in day-to-day activities, younger kids might not understand what the word “caregiver” means. Saying, “your grown-ups” allows all children to feel included in the conversation while using age-appropriate terminology.
Not every child comes from the same family structure. I am not sure why, as humans, we make this assumption. The are various animals throughout the animal kingdom that have different “family” structures and processes for how the young survive. For humans, there are single-caregiver households, LGBTQIA+ households, households where grandparents and other relatives are the caregivers, and households where foster parents take care of children. To say “your parents” makes the assumption that all children come from the same home life, which is not true. Younger children don’t necessarily have the capacity or knowledge to explain to their classmates why their aunt is taking care of them and why they don’t call their aunt “mom.” Frankly, they don’t need to offer an explanation either. Children don’t often have the understanding (and sometimes support at home) to speak about different family dynamics.
As adults, it’s our job to teach children, in an age-appropriate way, how the world works and that everyone is unique and different. It’s also our responsibility to teach them that unique and different don’t mean weird or odd either. Teaching empathy is part of our role as adults. Some argue that you cannot teach empathy, and I implore them to check out the various research articles that have come out showing that, in fact, you can teach empathy.
I can remember about a decade ago when I was working in a K-8 school. We were preparing a Mother’s Day gift for the children to bring home and one child did not have a traditional mother in his life. I don’t recall the exact details, but I know the child was being raised by a single father. Knowing this ahead of time, we spoke to the father and asked how we could make the gift unique to his son. We wanted to respect his family dynamics but also wanted him to be included in the activity, which we did! What we didn’t think of was what the other children might say. While completing the activity, a student looked over and asked why this child’s mommy “never came to school” and why the picture on his activity was of him and not “him and his mom.” For the sake of confidentiality, I won’t disclosure more information. However, I do remember that moment to this day. It struck a chord in me. Why should a child be made to feel that he/she/ze are doing something wrong?
Although my example and the viral post were specific to teachers and school, I am not calling teachers out here. I am also not just talking about the classroom either. Children are these innocent creatures that sometimes don’t have a filter. Why? They don’t know any better. It’s our job as adults to teach them. When I am meeting with a child for the first time and I want to know about their family life, I ask them who the person is sitting next to them. Honestly, I already know as I have spoken to the caregiver to set up the appointment. However, I let the child tell me in their words who this person is and take note of what they call the person.
You don’t have to agree with a family’s dynamics. Honestly, it’s not your business. However, showing respect and kindness to another person is a human right. I encourage you to check out your phrases and verbiage and see if there is room for improvement when it comes to inclusivity.